don’t worry

when someone says don’t worry, it seems that perhaps that is exactly what i should do. or, at least, that has been my experience on my quest to have a baby. after another few months trying on our own, i pushed my gyno to do actual testing, other than just tell me that i was fine based on general blood work and ultrasound. he went ahead and scheduled an hsg and sis; “simple, in-office procedures” according to him. having no reason to doubt him, i headed over to his office during my lunch break. i was excited- thinking that this testing could be the key to figuring out why i was not pregnant yet. i was practically skipping in the door. 10 minutes later, i was screaming in the stirrups. whether it my low threshold to pain or his super understated explanation of what was going to happen that day, we will never know. but i can guarantee my screams scared a few women in the waiting room. according to fertilityauthority.com, “a hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes, and the area around them…..it involves the injection of radiographic dye into your uterus, and it must be performed by a radiologist or someone trained in radiographic imaging. the uterus fills with this dye, and if your fallopian tubes are clear, it will spill into your abdominal cavity.” “a saline sonogram is an ultrasound test done after a saline solution has been infused into the uterus. the test is used to detect uterine abnormalities such as polyps or cysts. the saline solution distends the uterus and acts as a contrast to the internal structure, which provides more detail than a conventional ultrasound.” fun for the whole family! that is unless you don’t have a family, which is why you get to have this testing- haha. after the pain subsided and i was safely tucked in my bed with 2 advil in my belly, i received a phone call from my doctor. he explained that everything looked great except that he saw some polyps, which can create issues for implantation, but he did not think it was necessary to worry about it at this stage. i thought about it for 2 minutes and told him that i disagreed. i wanted him to get them out as soon as possible, as to not waste anymore time. the fact that my insurance was ending at the end of june and that mr. was leaving for the summer to attend graduate school out of the area sealed the deal for me. it was now or never. we agreed on a polypectomy, to remove the polyps and a laparoscopy, to check the parts of my reproductive anatomy that were not visible through my uterus. when the surgery date arrived, i decided to cancel the lap and just have the polypectomy. i was scared of the recovery and was not sure of how necessary the surgery was. my gyno was not happy but allowed me to call the shots. when i woke up in recovery, he told me i was all clear; he had cleared out not only a few large ones but many small ones. he was positive that this was the answer to my problems. his last words to me that day were “i’ll be delivering your baby here soon enough.” i’m still waiting.

$40 copay please

i feel like i spend most of my months handing over my hard earned money in the form of $40 copays. day 3 monitoring/bloodwork, 3 or 4 follicle checks, 2 iuis, progesterone check and the ever-depressing blood test to confirm that you are a loser who is not pregnant. $40 copay please. of course, this does not apply to the prescriptions of femara or the always fun hcg shot. it just kills me when i read stories about terrible people who get pregnant at the drop of a hat, people who shouldn’t be allowed to take care of a piece of cheese, let alone a child and yet here i am. spending all of my money on just a small chance to become a mother. while fighting with my insurance company yesterday, i came across a lovely piece of information. it was something to the effect of “fertility treatments/medications are a privilege, not a right. therefore, not all are covered under your insurance plan.” well isn’t that nice. it’s not like i don’t get reminded of this everyday of my life. that the one thing that i have been told as a girl/woman was my purpose or that one of the things i promised to give God when i married my husband is not something that i am promised. it is apparently something i have to fight everyday for. something i have to pray everyday for. something i have to cry every month for. something i have to pay a $40 copay for. that’s my privilege. i’m a lucky lady.

why

why is a question i ask alot. why am in this boat? why is my body not working correctly? why is this happening? why is God not listening to my prayers? why do i have to be dealing with this? why, why why. i could go on forever and it petrifies me that i very well have to. trying to get pregnant started innocently enough –  occasional sex with my husband where we didn’t immediately concern ourselves with anything other than our love for one another. when nothing happened, being the anal type a person that i am, i started to get concerned. my husband, who will be referred to as mr. from now on, quickly told me to calm down (a theme of our marriage/relationship- me freaking out, him telling me to relax). i listened but the small voice in the back of my head continued to bother me, periodically reminding me that my empty womb was not normal, considering all the unprotected fun we had been having. a year of haphazard love-making and nothing to show for it, i ventured to my gyno for a meeting, where i was told i was fine. i spent money and time on ovulation kits, fertility monitors, pre-seed, pre-natal vitamins, etc. and it seemed it was all for nothing. i decided that i could not keep ignoring that voice; the voice that had been telling me from the beginning that something was not right. unfortunately, the bitch was telling the truth.